Parenting Adult Children Is a Different Kind of Heartbreak

No one really prepares you for this part.

When they’re little, you lose sleep.
When they’re teenagers, you lose patience.
But when they’re adults?

You can lose access.
You can lose closeness.
You can lose the version of the relationship you thought you’d have.

And that kind of grief is quiet.

You can’t ground them.
You can’t make them go to therapy.
You can’t fix their choices.
You can’t defend yourself to someone who has decided you’re the villain in their story.

And if you’re anything like me and many of my friends right now…
you’ve cried tears you never expected to cry at this stage of life.

Parenting adult children requires something entirely different:

Less control.
More surrender.
Clearer boundaries.
And a nervous system that can hold love without collapsing.

It is one of the most refining seasons of womanhood.

So if you’re walking through tension, distance, accusations, silence, or heartbreak with an adult child…

You are not alone.

Here are 5 tools that have helped me (and women I love) stay steady:

1. Regulate Before You Respond

When your child is activated, blaming, or angry, your nervous system will want to react.

Pause.

Breathe.

Do not respond from panic.
Respond from regulation.

You are the adult. Even now.

2. Boundaries Are Not Punishment

Saying:

• “I’m not willing to be spoken to that way.”

• “We can talk when we’re both calm.”

• “I love you, and this isn’t okay.”

… is not abandoning your child.

It is modeling self-respect.

And sometimes the most loving thing you can do is refuse to participate in dysfunction.

3. Let Go of Managing Their Healing

This one is brutal.

You cannot force awareness.
You cannot make them see your heart.
You cannot do their emotional work for them.

Their journey belongs to them.

Your peace belongs to you.

4. Grieve What You Thought It Would Be

Maybe you imagined:
Sunday dinners.
Close friendships.
Easy conversations.
Being included.

If that’s not what you’re experiencing right now, it’s okay to grieve that.

Grief does not mean failure.
It means love existed.

5. Stay Rooted in Who You Are

You are not defined by:

• Their current opinion of you

• Their distance

• Their accusations

• Their silence

You are still a good mother.
You are still a whole woman.
You are allowed to have joy even while this is hard.

You do not have to collapse to prove you care.

If you’re walking through something tender with your adult child right now…
I see you.

This is holy ground.

And sometimes the bravest thing we do as mothers is stop trying to control and start choosing peace.

If this resonates, tell me, what has this season been teaching you?

You are not alone in this. 🤍